Dear Nora,
I don’t know what drew me to it, the rock on a beach of many that was the only true wishing rock I’d seen that day. There it was just beyond Rose’s animal printed rain boots, nestled up against a log. Something made me notice it, told me to pick it up and look it over. Sure enough, the line went all the way around uninterrupted, with one little jagged bit connecting the beginning and end.
I’d thought about making a wish and tossing it into the water, but wasn’t it partially a wishing rock that had gotten me all the way to losing you? That rock I found with Ellie at the railway museum, picked up, traced, wished upon with love and tossed. The next night I started my period and my dreams of you were lost until I unexpectedly saw a positive result resting on the edge of our bathtub a month later. There were those beautiful dreams again. I was completely shocked in the best way and then we started our journey to where we are today. Here. Without you.
So, back to that beach… do I throw the rock with a wish or do I make the move in the complete opposite superstitious direction and simply hand it over to Rose who had been begging for it ever since I picked it up? I chose to believe that while missing you all the time is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, it is entirely worth it because it means you existed. Even if only in my womb, you existed and we had 10 beautiful (albeit challenging) months together and you changed us all. So I kept the rock, distracted your sister and walked with her towards the water. I made the most important wish I could think of for you and I threw it as far as I could into Puget Sound. Then, as I turned around I heard, “Look, it’s a heart!”
Mimi approached me with her arm outstretched, holding a rock just smaller than my hand. The rock was a heart, Mimi said something about it being imperfect, but she didn’t see what she was handing me. An imperfect heart, one with the left side broken and small. A heart just like yours. I guess my decision about the wishing rock was the right one. I put the rock in my pocket and brought it home with us. I knew just the place to put it and now the rock rests among the strawberry plants that I expect will give us ample bounty of your favorite fruit judging by the growth we’ve already seen. I like the idea of you sitting there, basking in the sun and breathing in the sweet scent of ripe berries.
I sincerely hope that my wish for you comes true this time just as it did last time at the railroad museum.
Love, Mommy
Originally written to Nora on April 4th 2021
Dear Nora 