Dear Nora,
This Mother’s Day is a little different than the last few. I went to bed, sick from my second covid vaccine, and wondering how I’d feel today with only two of my three girls with me. I worried I wouldn’t be able to be fully present with them as I mourned the day that should’ve marked you being two months old. It’s strange because I knew all along that we wouldn’t get these things with you. Photos at one month old, a celebration of two months together, your first birthday and beyond. Still, I wish we were woken entirely too early this morning after a restless night full of cries, diaper changes, feedings and snuggles. I wish we could swaddle you up and hold you close. I wish we could see you with your sisters who so badly wanted you too. Ellie exclaimed at dinner just last night, “Nora lives in my heart Mommy!” I hope you can feel that we all love you so much and we all feel the hole in our family no one can ever fill. I can’t decide if I miss all these milestones more because we lost you so abruptly and were robbed of any time with you at all. In the end I think there is no more or less, just different.
I mourn the milestones differently because I’d expected to get at least a little bit of time with you and got none. I will forever imagine what your smile would’ve looked like. You’d be smiling around now. What would your laugh have sounded like? Or your voice? Would you have been absolutely fearless like Rose? Or perhaps you’d have been a bit more cautious like Ellie? I think much like your looks, a little of both of them and a whole lot of unique you, your personality would’ve been all yours. I wish so badly that I could’ve known it. I think you would’ve been relaxed with a good sense of humor, very kind and gentle. Those were the things I felt you being during pregnancy. I felt them in the way you moved and reacted to others. Your soul was a beautiful one and we are so incredibly lucky to have known it at all. The world is missing a beautiful light with unimaginable potential without you in it.
I guess at the end of the day, this Mother’s Day isn’t too unlike the others I’ve experienced as a mother… I’m tired, blessed, and absolutely in love with my babies and the mother you’ve all turned me into. I love you baby girl, today and every single day. I’m so grateful to be the mother of three incredible girls.
Love, Mommy
Originally written to Nora 04.09.2021
Dear Nora 