Dear Nora,
Today was a day… unexpectedly so. I’m sure it had something to do with the extremely busy week we had; spending time with so many wonderful friends and attending several family-centered functions. Each time I thought, “what would this have been like?” I wondered if we would’ve been late because it would be that much trickier to get three three and under ready to go. I know the girls would’ve been so excited to show you off to everyone they know (just like Mommy and Daddy).
Today we were at a party at a friend’s house. I found myself in my current norm of being uncomfortable and constantly wanting to talk about you or cry. Before we even left the house, Ellie told me I should change because my pants weren’t “looking so nice” so I started out a little extra uncomfortable.
I watched Ellie and Rose play with their friends and wondered what it would’ve been like to have you here with them. How I would’ve balanced holding you, playing with one of your sisters and making a plate for the other. I pondered what it would have been like if you hadn’t had HLHS. My mind wandered in the few conversations I dared to have.
In reference to your death and your sisters, a very well intentioned friend said, “At least you have them so it’s not too bad.” I nearly burst into tears. I am extremely grateful for your sisters, I love them immensely. At the same time their existence does not erase the fact that you no longer do (at least not physically here with us). Still, I understand it’s hard for someone to know what to say in the face of a mother who has lost her child and I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this sweet friend. I had moments all day where I went through the motions and a few moments I was truly present and enjoying myself.
I didn’t expect the gut wrenching feeling I had when someone arrived to the party with an adorable, chubby cheeked little smiling baby. Something I normally would have been extremely excited about threw me for a loop today. I avoided them nearly the entire afternoon. The baby was a few months older than you would’ve been, but you’re all I could see when I looked at those cheeks.
Love, Mommy
Originally written to Nora on May 31, 2021
Dear Nora 