Dear Nora,
Today was hard. How has it already been a third of a year since your birth and death? They say time flies when you’re having fun, but how does it move when you’re also suffering? Some days it feels as though things are moving quickly all around me while things for me feel like they’re in slow motion. It’s almost like I’m stuck in an effect used in the movies. It felt like that at the beginning especially, like things moved in a blur around me while I was still.
It’s difficult on so many levels. I think a lot about how your sisters will feel someday should they choose to read these letters. I worry that they’ll think that I don’t enjoy the days I spend with them, but instead wallow in the sadness of missing you. The truth is, while things with two toddlers is challenging, I love this time I’m able to spend with them. I somehow love them more each day and I adore watching them learn and grow. Sometimes I even get lost in the pure joy of our family moments. It’s difficult because it’s lovely to feel a little lighter and truly enjoy the joy and love our family brings, at the same time, I still think of you and miss you every single day.
Sometimes that joy makes it all harder because I so wish you could be a part of it all. I see your sisters enjoying each other, playing, having fun in that moment and I will feel so full of happiness then suddenly feel such sadness that you will never get to be a part of that sweet bond they share. It makes my heart so sad to think about it. Then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty for feeling joy when I should be sad and for feeling sad when I should be joyful. It’s an interesting balance to try and strike. I’m learning how to be better at it everyday.
I think one of the best things for us all has been keeping you part of our daily lives. We have a photo of you in our family gallery wall behind our dining table and we all talk about you often. As always we hold you in our hearts. Ellie even explained to me recently that she would take you out of her heart and give you the heart shaped rock she told me you’d sent her and then put you back in. A few days ago Rose was pretending to take a photo of me and said, “say cheese, take a picture with Nora and the swings!” It was so very sweet and made my heart swell. When I turned to look at the swings after taking the imaginary photo, a Robin that had been perched on them looked at me through the window and flew away. While the photo she took was imaginary, it was still beautiful and the mental photo I took is priceless.
Love, Mommy
Originally written to Nora on July 09, 2021
Dear Nora 