Dear Nora,
It’s been over a year now since we sold our house and moved into our current home. I don’t think I realized at the time just how right that decision was for our family. We’d bought that house a few short days before we got your diagnosis. We were overseas and we only had an hour to look at the photos and make our decision to buy it or pass. It had enough rooms to bunk your sisters and give you your own space. We didn’t think it would be fair to put either of them with a baby that would certainly wake many times a night. The kitchen had ample storage, the floors were beautiful, and the master closet was like its own room. That last bit definitely put stars in my eyes coming from Germany where shranks, or free standing bureaus, reigned king. But what really sold us was the backyard. It had an incredible play set and a garden I’d only dreamed of. We couldn’t wait to see all our girls climbing, running and growing things in that back yard. Then came your diagnosis and the uncertainty that followed it.
We were still excited about our house, even though we couldn’t move into it until well after we’d arrive back in the states due to an agreement for rent back we’d made with the previous owners. The agreement made sense when we bought the house because we didn’t plan on moving until after they wanted to stay until, but being medically evacuated early to establish care for you changed our plans. We visited though, with your sisters, to see the house we hoped to bring you home to. As things progressed we were able to move in a bit earlier than expected and I worked tirelessly in hopes of making it ready for you. Your dad worked quite hard too. He tore out carpet and installed matching hardwoods (with help from family and friends) to get it just right. I painted rooms and unpacked boxes. He put together new chairs. We both had things to do and I think it was partially our way of trying to prepare for the unprepareable. Or at least a way to distract ourselves from it.
When you were stillborn it was so incredibly hard to go home without you. Living there felt off, it felt incomplete and empty. There were things I hated like the pile of clothes I’d set aside for you that you’d never get to wear or the spaces you should’ve taken up. There was something missing in that house and I couldn’t fix it because the something was you and you were gone.
We first started considering selling because of some neighborhood issues that had come up. We talked about it mostly jokingly and looked around a bit “just to see.” In the end we decided to list partially because I was pregnant again and your dad was set to deploy right after I’d be due. I didn’t think I could handle the entire house, a newborn, your sisters and the giant yard alone for the better part of a year. I miscarried that baby in the midst of our search. We even went to a showing the day it truly started. The market was absolutely crazy and we needed to either rule the place out or jump on it. It was not a contender in the end. Later that weekend I had to clean my own blood off a large portion of our bathroom floor and the memories of yet another loss in that space were a strong reason pushing us to go through with selling our home.
It was a rough time between then and finding a place, but we ended up renting a house that worked really well for us. It was a fresh start for our family and just what we needed. We miss the yard, but love our new view and our new location. The house has its quirks as they all do; still we’ve made lots of good memories here without having to walk past the painful ones every day. Living in a new space doesn’t take away the grief we’re moving through, but it does make it more bearable day to day.
I also think in some round about way that the other house was meant for the family that bought it from us all along. They accidentally came for a showing when we were home. I opened the door to a mother with two young girls at her feet and one strapped to her back waiting with a realtor, confused to see me there. We waited in the backyard while they looked through the house. She got tears in her eyes in the living room, knowing she felt at home. They wrote us a lovely letter that they’d included with their offer. I cried the morning we signed the papers knowing the house was going to be filled with the sounds of three sisters playing and growing together. That family got their happy ending in our house and we got to move forward away from the emptiness it held for us.
Love, Mommy
Originally written to Nora on 01.23.23
Dear Nora 