Dear Nora,
It seems silly really, to hold a piece of fabric covered elastic so dearly in my heart. I do know it’s illogical, but my hair tie has felt somehow like a connection to you. I bought a pack of hair ties just after we moved back stateside because my last one had become too overstretched. Let’s be honest, at the time I was extremely pregnant and chasing your 2.5 year and 13 month old sisters all day so most of the time, my hair was tied up and out of the way. If we’re being entirely honest, it still usually is. None the less, somehow that pack of hair ties felt like a luxurious self care splurge. That’s probably a topic I should revisit on my own some other time. For now, I’ll focus on the special one.
It’s yellow with little flowers on it. I was surprised that it was my favorite because yellow is typically my least favorite color, but I loved it. I still remember how I could barely get it into my hair at first because the elastic was so strong and my hair so thick. But I made it work and I wore it often in our last weeks as a duo. I wore it during labor, as you were born and put my hair up in it after I got home from the hospital. It’s in the only photos we have of you.
I’ve worn that hair tie in my hair or on my wrist every day since you were born. That’s 684 days that I’ve had it with me. The elastic has gotten quite worn now and I’ve started often wearing a different one in my hair, one that will actually hold it while wearing the yellow one on my wrist. It’s been coming off with my clothes when I change and has even come off with my coat a handful of times. I’ve had it on my mind that I should take it off and store it away so it doesn’t get lost, especially since I’ve panicked a few times thinking it was gone. Though I had yet to be able to do it until today. In the shower, I took it out of my hair and the elastic is so worn and over stretched that it made a perfectly imperfect heart in my palm. A heart with a small, wonky left side. So I took it as a nudge that I should transfer it to the keepsake box that holds your other things.
It feels silly to cry over that piece of overstretched elastic covered with fabric that is starting to fray at its seam, but I did. It feels somehow like a little piece of you and it makes my heart so very sad to put it away. The little heart it now makes helps me be at peace with it and the sadness that’s caused by it. I still miss you all the time my girl.
Love,
Mommy
Originally written to Nora on January 23, 2023
Dear Nora 