The Beginning

Dear Nora,

Your story began long before you took up residence in my womb. It actually began with another baby we lost entirely too soon. Perhaps you’re together now… That’s a lovely thought- our two children we never got to know have each other. 

It was spring of 2020 and we had scrambled out of Finland just in time to be in a full and very strict lockdown in Germany for COVID-19. Ellie wasn’t allowed to go to the kindergarten and so our days were filled with time together. Just the four of us at home trying to make the best of 24-7 family time in a moderately sized hinterhaus. I went to the grocery store once a week and we occasionally took advantage of our patio for some fresh air and sunshine. 

A Friday evening after putting your sisters to bed, my jaw began to feel oddly sore. I assumed I had picked up whatever bug your Dad had just gotten over and didn’t think too much of it (about a week prior, the right side of your Dad’s face had swollen up and his jaw became very painful). I was busy thinking of ways to make that Sunday fun and special at home because it was Easter and we spent every other day at home doing the same things. The next morning however, I woke up to an extremely painful jaw and a very swollen face. Along with that, I had a mild fever. We contacted our family doctor who was convinced I had what your Dad had recovered from though we weren’t exactly sure what that was. She had initially thought he had contracted mumps, but we had all gotten an extra vaccine before moving to Germany so I was skeptical. Then his test came back negative so I felt as though I’d been proven right and never gave mumps a second thought. I was told to rest, suck on sour candy just in case (a common treatment for mumps), and stay hydrated. 

That was all good and well until my temperature skyrocketed and wouldn’t come below 103 with Tylenol. I also developed moderately painful body aches and chills. Another call to our family doctor and a call to an American doctor at the embassy led to an order for quarantine in the house away from the rest of our family. They thought I had contracted Coronavirus. 

Your Dad held down the fort like a champion that day. He cared for Ellie and a 5 month old Rose all on his own, no easy task I assure you. Meals and drinks he’d prepared for me were left outside my closed door throughout the day. I slept on and off, tried to control my fever and browsed Netflix for something good to pass the time. I said goodnight to Ellie as she wiggled her fingers in the crack under the door. Then your Dad and I ended the night binge watching The Americans on FaceTime together. 

Sunday afternoon I was allowed out of quarantine because the doctors were both certain (after looking at pictures of my face) that I had mumps instead of COVID-19. I was still unable to control my fever and both my jaw and throat were in an extreme amount of pain. Special and fun was not how I would come to categorize that Easter.

I was on the phone with the doctor from the embassy when the spotting started. Just before I fell ill, we’d found out I was pregnant after months of nothing but negative tests. The doctor very calmly told me that pregnancy and mumps didn’t agree with one another. She said I should monitor the bleeding and make an appointment with my OB to confirm what she nonchalantly assumed would be a miscarriage. “Sometimes it’s better this way. Sometimes it’s the body’s way of protecting you both” she’d said. I was devastated. 

Only a couple of days had passed from Easter and we’d taken a trip to the emergency room when it became difficult for me to breathe, gotten a positive mumps test, seen two ENTs (one of which threaded a camera up my nose and into my throat) and confirmed that we’d lost the baby. It was a lot to take in all at once.

We were sad about the loss of a dream that had just begun, but we were grateful for our health and all we had. We talked to my OB who had said as long as my period returned to normal and we felt ready, we could try again as early as the next month. So, there you were, a new dream just beginning. 

With military life there’s always an added layer or two of complication when you try to plan anything. It’s honestly better not to even try to plan things. Alas, there we were, trying to plan you (little did we know, you had many of your own plans). This time for us the complication was that we were going to have to move back to the US in the spring. March was our best guess at the timing and I was hoping we’d be able to have you in Germany before we left. Not only had my labor been everything I’d wanted there with Rose, but it also made the most sense with our other time constraints… your Dad was supposed to deploy the summer after our return. 

Each month we hoped for those two little lines that would tell us you were coming. Each month came and went with only one line to mark its passing. Before we knew it, it was June and Germany’s restrictions were loosening so we decided to take a month long road trip and see as much as we could. I packed a pregnancy test hoping I could surprise your Dad with it on Father’s Day. We began an amazing trip that I’ll never forget. We stopped in town after town, visiting beautiful places, enjoying fun activities and mostly beautiful weather. Along the way we visited churches and I prayed for you. We stopped at a railway museum and Ellie and I wished for you on a wishing rock we’d found. I carried the hope I had for you in the form of that unopened pregnancy test along with us to each new destination. One night, I was up nursing Rose and I felt it, my period had started. I cried myself back to sleep that night and continued to cry most of the next day. Your Dad asked why it was so upsetting this particular time. I realized it was because I was finally feeling the loss of our other baby. We had previously decided  we wouldn’t try past May because it would be too complicated to have a due date so close to when we would have to move internationally. Each month before then I had thought, “it’s okay, maybe next month.” Until there was no next month. No next month, no baby, just loss and it broke my heart. The next morning I woke up puffy eyed and sad, but accepting that our dreams of you would just have to wait. I hid that test in the bottom of our bag and we packed up to continue our adventure. 

We happily finished our wonderful trip seeing numerous new places, stopping at many new McDonalds locations and catching up with good friends along the way. Nearly every little shop was still closed due to ongoing restrictions so we returned home with only one souvenir. One souvenir that we didn’t know we’d brought home until a few weeks later when I’d dug that pregnancy test out of the bottom of the bag it had traveled Germany in and peed on it simply because I felt like it was mocking me and I didn’t want to just throw it in the trash. I expected to pick it back up and toss it straight into the bin on my way into the shower. I wasn’t even planning on looking at it because I knew it would be negative. Except for some reason, it caught my eye on the way to the bin and there it was- two surprising lines that signified a bright new beginning. The beginning to what has been the most conflicting, beautiful, and painful time of my entire life. The beginning to your life, Nora June. 

I’ve been writing to you for some time now and I have decided to share most of what I’ve written. I’m sharing it because your story, as complicated as it is brief, deserves to be told. 

Love, Mommy